A shocking real-life tale full of sick twists and mindfuck has started to unfold in the twilight zone of our reality and a reportedly alternate one called Heaven. While the exact details of these mysterious events are still being unwrapped by the investigative authorities, experts are calling the case “puzzling” and “fucking bizarre”.
The central focus point of the whole affair appears to be the mind-bending journal written by numerous followers, relatives and self-proclaimed successors of a really hardcore badass dude called God who, according to himself, “created the universe, time and all that can be counted under reality and existence” in just under a week, reportedly laying back doing some heavy drinking on the seventh day. Some of these nutbags also claim allegiance to his son, Jesus, originally conceived and raised under questionable circumstances in this weird family and environment.
As the apparent inability of the social workers to remedy the alarming situation labeled by careless child-raising, drug use, mental disorders, incest and homicidal activities continued to go on unnoticed, the disturbing cult continued to expand, touching the whole extended family and others in the region. While the teachings of the family grew increasingly bizarre and the hallucinations began to reach their focal point, federal authorities stepped in to remedy the situation.
It was too late, however. While federal investigators have labeled case documents as classified, other reports indicate that Jesus was nailed to a piece of wood and executed on the account of doing too much weird shit. This did not stop his followers to claim that he was actually raised from the dead by his father, leading to the creation of a horrible, hallucinating carpenter zombie creature. Eww.
Spying on other people’s private matters and stealing dead children Disturbing scenes like this reportedly took place repeatedly after Jesus abandoned his profession and started doing mushrooms full-time. Jesus is obviously high, and his mother is notably absent. Note the shameless Legend of Zelda reference by the illustrator.
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This guy is fucking Yoda. He works for us.
And so the folklore starts to be formed. The son was a carpenter but apparently dad disapproved of this, preferring his son to take over the leadership of a weird cult instead. God was rarely seen – understandable, given he exists in a magical alternate universe – but still managed to maintain a strong control over his family and followers over telepathy.
Lolwut Son generates fish in Middle-East
And overtake he did, the son. He started perform weird, poorly staged and badly executed stunts which he himself labeled as miracles. Anyone could see that he was a shitty illusionist, but with clever camera angles and creative viral marketing, people who never saw him act his stuff out live and only heard occasional reports of him, at best, would eventually get it into their head that Jesus was as badass as his father was claimed to be.
Some people, for example, believe that he could chop one fish to small enough pieces to feed thousands of people without a laser cutter. Ha ha ha, oh wow.
Ex-wife: “I’m still a virgin, for real”
It seems that God was supposed to be father of everyone, but still impregnated Jesus’ mother. While modern medical science explains that there remains a remote possibility of this being achievable (only) in theory, it is widely agreed to be totally unfeasible and blatantly untrue. This might provide some insight into why Jesus was so weird. Also, the mother still claims she is a virgin despite numerous eye witness accounts made public by sensationalist Middle-Eastern talk shows.
Jesus’ mother had a history of mental problems and heavy drug abuse. She has continued her efforts to remedy her reputation and that of her relatives, but it seems she might be labeled as an incestive crack whore for the rest of her natural life. Maybe God will take her in his “arms” after that, or ensure that her natural life is prolonged to unnatural lengths, if he really is such a world-class magician.
Whatever the truth about Jesus’ mother, it remains quite irrelevant when looking at the big picture. For example, the scope in which God claims to have carried out infractions of privacy is simply astonishing – while he may not be telling the complete story, experts agree that there is most certainly some truth to this relentless bragging: God says he can read everyone’s mind whenever he wants, no matter how much foil you might have wrapped around your head, and that he routinely (although unpredictably) trolls innocent people by arranging stupid stunts that reflect their thoughts. Asshole.
It remains to be seen whether God and his posse can actually get away with these stunts. This is not even all of it, or even close: child-murdering, kidnapping, raising the dead... these are the kind of things we’re dealing with here. One thing is for certain, however: authorities are not resting until they are brought to justice (or killed). FBI’s recent announcement has made this perfectly clear.
“I have zero respect for these fuckers, and I will personally guarantee that each of them will get a bullet in their head.” Ok, pretty harsh, maybe, but it’s not like God, Jesus’ or the whole “wholy trinity” didn’t have it coming.
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