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Why settle for reality when you can dream up more?
Long-time life insurance industry leader loses customer base, prepares for reorganization
Insurance Overtime Ltd., one of the oldest industry players and the first to reach life-long, mass-market appeal, made a less-than-surprising announcement concerning reorganization, internal shifts and potential lay-offs.
Full business analysis and CEO interview in = date('F', mktime(0, 0, 0, date('m')+1, 1, date('y'))); ?> edition of HZ Magazine.
There are companies that provide notable instant gratification and eternal salvation. Simply put, we just can’t compete with that, not with our current offering.
We are proceeding to vote on some of our core beliefs and hope to mold the reality to our liking through the democratic process.
Exclusive interview by Joshua Hidgens
While there has been a decent amount of speculation about whether the Easter Bunny truly exists, I actually saw him with my own two fucking eyes and so the matter is settled.
I never came to believe in the Easter Bunny, occasionally also known as Easter Hare or Spring Bunny, but in these times it did come as no surprise to actually find her legendary nest hiding under the century-old porcupine tree in my grandparents’ backyard garden.
After initial inquiries made by my paper, the Easter Bunny was hesitant to schedule for an interview, reportedly for a multitude of professional and personal reasons. After some persistent editorial work and persuasion, however, here I stand, slightly crouched in what I can only describe as a reception room of the mighty complex of living space, storage areas and grand aisles that constitute the nest of the Easter Bunny.
When asked about the usual disbelief and confusion surrounding his existence, or common misconceptions concerning his personality and traits, the Easter Bunny shows maturity but also slight displeasure.
– As an immortal being who has existed as long as reality itself has been here for us, I have grown used to the suspicion and hostility of mere mortals. Still, I sometimes think of the dreams I had as an infant about growing up as a respected guardian of lesser creatures. They really turned out to be as childish as you’d expect from a bunny just a couple of million of years old.
Some suppositions are, of course, more innocent than others. Most rarely lead to any serious harm or higher level of enforcement of Easter Bunny’s personal security measures.
– It is common for people to mistake me as male even though my apparent lack of penis is clearly visible in the vast majority of contemporary visual depictions. Younger humans might think I’m actually composed of chocolate myself, and, of course, there are still those who refuse to accept my existence altogether.
The Easter Bunny feels that even the less serious misconceptions about her are contributing to the harmful long-term trend of humans not accepting the world as it is. According to her, humans would not want to experience the world without the Easter Bunny, but their reluctance to recognize her existence, let alone her numerous contributions to our society, might eventually have undesirable implications.
– Shit sucks, man.
Shit sucking does not stop this resiliant supernatural hare from trying, though.
– With the relatively new hobby of delivering chocolate treats and other cool shit to people, the public opinion has started to show signs of permanent shift to a more positive tone. But this is true to only the western part of the world, and within that the level of acceptance varies greatly.
She remains hopeful: one can only imagine the amount of dedication that lies within this wonderful hare. After millenia of trying, one would expect slightly more acknowledgements for this oversized chocolate-bearing rabbit. Maybe one day we will wake up in a place where our superiors are met with acceptance and respect instead of suspicion and disbelief.
Malicious impersonators The Easter Bunny knows how to deal with people who try to take advantage of her status.
A shocking Editorial investigation series by Zachary San
Consumer interest in second-hand organs is increasing. It has been increasing, steadily, for the past century as medical science has developed rapidly.
But as we enter the 21st century, things seem to take an exponential turn for the worse. There’s no going back anymore: our culture expects us to give out our organs, and we expect to receive those of others. We are all organ thieves.
Is your family safe from supervillains?
Bad Enough Dudes Urban protection service
The society we live in is sick. I could save this as the shocking ending sentence of this text, but the truth is, that’s just the tip of the iceberg: the things I have to say about this whole collectivity of human interaction and cultural expectations is so corrupt, ugly and depraved, it takes substantial, constant effort for me to avoid vomiting uncontrollably all over the tacky interior of this larger-than-necessary hotel room initially cleaned for me by underage hotel employees, exploited daily in ways we in the West are unabe to even dream up.
In Part I of this series, originally published in the January edition of HZ Magazine, I wrote about the expectations and reservations I had about travelling to present-day Cambodia in search for the most notorious human organ bandit group known to western authorities. This highly organized mob – called the Tooth Fairy and commonly referred to simply as “She” – has grown to close to mythical proportions in both reputation and cash revenue.
The reservations I was talking about? I willfully threw out the window the whole idea of me even having a right to acknowledge the existence of such. The situation is far too dire to justify me being anxious, apprehensive or anything the like about entering this third-world country plagued by this mystic but obviously powerful criminal organization. We all know crime is rampant in most parts of the world, and no one cares about me or whatever goes on in my unanalytical half of the brain.
So, to the actual descriptive part of this text: the legends are true, to put it frankly. All of them, actually. I don’t mean to sound cruel, but the point of this tone I’ve set for the whole text is to deliver the description of how Cambodian Tooth Fairy actually shamelessly exploits countless families when you’ve all heard the stories before. You just have to realize that they’re actually accurate.
So I’m sure we’ve established that things fucking suck here. People have been fucked with so thoroughly for so long that everyone has zero trust left for anyone other than themselves. Not that it stops the government, the Tooth Fairy or other organizations from keeping up the propaganda. Just look at this visualization of the Tooth Fairy:
She might give a penny or two to those who willfully support her in her exploits, but there are millions, even billions to be made in international organ trafficking, both legal and illegal. The legality is actually gray area here, as teeth that appear legal in paper might actually come from highly questionable sources in developing countries.
The Tooth Fairy is running the market when it comes to blood tooth trafficking. In the next part, I will hopefully have had the chance to write a coherent text of the disturbing notions made by my first Cambodian anonymous contact on the inside.
Biography of the fattest, fastest & most exploitive manipulative bastard in the arctic region by Enoch Temür
There’s this mystery man called Claus, Santa Claus. He naturally has multiple aliases, but that’s how he seems to be referred to in the most recent official documents. We have all heard stories and gathered half a dozen factoids, but few have an understanding of the whole story. We’re here to tell you.
First of all, it appears that, since at least recent times, Santa doesn’t act alone: he has an accomplice. Mrs. Claus is said to play an important part in maintaining order within their oppressed slave midget workforce. She apparently handles information structure and databases as well, seeing as the married couple maintains a vast database of all children in the world.
Just savior that for a moment: every fucking child. That’s deeply disturbing, not only illegal in more or less every juristiction in the world. Santa’s dirty routine includes delivering these innocent boys and girls huge bags of presents (in quite an intriguing fashion, one might add – although that’s another issue entirely), sometimes even with the concent of their parents, thus gathering positive publicity and turning the popular opinion to his advantage.
Santa’s criminal record is long and extensive, but it appears that his most elaborate and dangerous schemes are yet to be seen. He truly is a clever, malicious son of a bitch, always has been and most certainly will always be as long as he remains uncaptured.
Throughout history, Santa has switched both his look and location like no-one else in an elaborate effort to evade and deceive whoever might be after him. Originally from pre-Christian Western Europe, he has since moved to the more arctic and secluded regions of the world. In the recent times he is known to dwell in both the Finnish Lapland and the North Pole during the winter, while spending extravagant summer holidays on warm and sunny beaches of all continents.
Although all this has been globally known and well documented for years, a lot of the cunning criminal efforts of this indubitably bright mind remain in the dark: animal rights activists have long been gathering evidence – albeit with little success – of Santa’s illegal reindeer mass-farming activities, and it is still not entirely clear exactly how he amassed his army of 900 000 slave midgets without alarming the authorities.
But amass he did. Forced to wear demeaning children’s novelty clothes during their 18-hour shifts, these poor dudes are really pushed to their limits. Even the UN has taken action to offer some relief to the situation, but all actions of all authorities have so far yielded all but zero results. Santa is still at large, living well. He’s even really fat because he eats fancy food all the time, living off the hard labor of his subordinates.
Ho Ho Ho The Santa Claus is known for his insatiable desire for prostitutes, up to three at a time. Just look at that egocentric grin and facial hair labeling him as a dirty, disgusting old man. Also, those glasses are fake and are only meant to mislead the authorities.
Tough dude claimed to exist in alternate reality: kills babies for revenge, amusement
A shocking real-life tale full of sick twists and mindfuck has started to unfold in the twilight zone of our reality and a reportedly alternate one called Heaven. While the exact details of these mysterious events are still being unwrapped by the investigative authorities, experts are calling the case “puzzling” and “fucking bizarre”.
The central focus point of the whole affair appears to be the mind-bending journal written by numerous followers, relatives and self-proclaimed successors of a really hardcore badass dude called God who, according to himself, “created the universe, time and all that can be counted under reality and existence” in just under a week, reportedly laying back doing some heavy drinking on the seventh day. Some of these nutbags also claim allegiance to his son, Jesus, originally conceived and raised under questionable circumstances in this weird family and environment.
As the apparent inability of the social workers to remedy the alarming situation labeled by careless child-raising, drug use, mental disorders, incest and homicidal activities continued to go on unnoticed, the disturbing cult continued to expand, touching the whole extended family and others in the region. While the teachings of the family grew increasingly bizarre and the hallucinations began to reach their focal point, federal authorities stepped in to remedy the situation.
It was too late, however. While federal investigators have labeled case documents as classified, other reports indicate that Jesus was nailed to a piece of wood and executed on the account of doing too much weird shit. This did not stop his followers to claim that he was actually raised from the dead by his father, leading to the creation of a horrible, hallucinating carpenter zombie creature. Eww.
And so the folklore starts to be formed. The son was a carpenter but apparently dad disapproved of this, preferring his son to take over the leadership of a weird cult instead. God was rarely seen – understandable, given he exists in a magical alternate universe – but still managed to maintain a strong control over his family and followers over telepathy.
And overtake he did, the son. He started perform weird, poorly staged and badly executed stunts which he himself labeled as miracles. Anyone could see that he was a shitty illusionist, but with clever camera angles and creative viral marketing, people who never saw him act his stuff out live and only heard occasional reports of him, at best, would eventually get it into their head that Jesus was as badass as his father was claimed to be.
Some people, for example, believe that he could chop one fish to small enough pieces to feed thousands of people without a laser cutter. Ha ha ha, oh wow.
It seems that God was supposed to be father of everyone, but still impregnated Jesus’ mother. While modern medical science explains that there remains a remote possibility of this being achievable (only) in theory, it is widely agreed to be totally unfeasible and blatantly untrue. This might provide some insight into why Jesus was so weird. Also, the mother still claims she is a virgin despite numerous eye witness accounts made public by sensationalist Middle-Eastern talk shows.
Jesus’ mother had a history of mental problems and heavy drug abuse. She has continued her efforts to remedy her reputation and that of her relatives, but it seems she might be labeled as an incestive crack whore for the rest of her natural life. Maybe God will take her in his “arms” after that, or ensure that her natural life is prolonged to unnatural lengths, if he really is such a world-class magician.
Whatever the truth about Jesus’ mother, it remains quite irrelevant when looking at the big picture. For example, the scope in which God claims to have carried out infractions of privacy is simply astonishing – while he may not be telling the complete story, experts agree that there is most certainly some truth to this relentless bragging: God says he can read everyone’s mind whenever he wants, no matter how much foil you might have wrapped around your head, and that he routinely (although unpredictably) trolls innocent people by arranging stupid stunts that reflect their thoughts. Asshole.
It remains to be seen whether God and his posse can actually get away with these stunts. This is not even all of it, or even close: child-murdering, kidnapping, raising the dead... these are the kind of things we’re dealing with here. One thing is for certain, however: authorities are not resting until they are brought to justice (or killed). FBI’s recent announcement has made this perfectly clear.
“I have zero respect for these fuckers, and I will personally guarantee that each of them will get a bullet in their head.” Ok, pretty harsh, maybe, but it’s not like God, Jesus’ or the whole “wholy trinity” didn’t have it coming.
Jacob Examines the relative ease of bullshitting people
During your life, especially in professional settings, you will encounter numerous people who will invest considerable time and effort into fucking your shit up if you let them. What this means for you is that you need to fuck their shit up first.
And I don’t mean fuck one’s shit up in a literal, physical sense, but rather in social. If you want to be on the top of your game, you need to lie lie lie lie lie.
The most important thing to remember is to never say anything that can be disputed, let alone disproved outright. Your propositions should stay on a very broad level of abstraction so that they are easy to accept as generally true – but when you use them in very spesific contexts, it is easy for untrained minds to accept them as explanations.
And, well, that’s it basically. Don’t forget the accompanying image and caption. Do what you do best and prevail.